An entry, at long last. Not so much an update as I can't be bothered going back and reporting on all the stuff thats gone on in the last month or so.
Christmas Eve. Well infact its actually Christmas Day (officially) as I come to write this. I can hear fireworks outside, since when have fireworks at midnight been a part of the Christmas celebrations? Anyway.. I'm at my parents house in Bury, I have been here since Friday and it is nice to see them. We didn't do very much on Saturday but today I dragged them out of the house with the aim of "finding something to take photographs of". We headed towards Stonyhurst College, then over towards Chaigley (no I'd never heard of it either) and ended up in Whalley I think. Wandered round the church yard of St Helens there, and then headed to a small picnic site near Blackburn. I liked it there are sat in the car with the window down I could get some nice shots of squirrels and robins. It was nice to get out of the house as since I arrived all I've done really is sit around with my laptop. I think my parents think its surgically attached. Whilst I know it isn't very social I am loath to put it away. For some reason I need the connection, via it, to my friends. Its silly I know, but the truth is I miss my friends. I especially miss Pete.
Its silly missing someone you see all the time when you go away for a week but I think in my heart its not just that we're apart for a period of time, its just that everything at Christmas is geared up to being about loved ones and my loved one is somewhere else :( I don't know whether I am fully ready to have a Christmas away from my parents yet, but coming here this year has emphasised to me that I really don't 'live' here anymore. I have a room, some of my belongings are here, but it isn't my home. My home is in Lancaster with Pete, our living room, our kitchen, our bedroom with my nice new mirror (Yay
). Its just where feels right to me. Its a little sad I think because I love my parents dearly, and I don't like to make them sad. I'm sure they'd love to have me home again but I don't think its going to happen. I am very settled with Pete, and how I feel at the moment I can't see that changing and I hope that it never does.
Coming home always leaves me with pangs of guilt too, completely unnecessary but I feel a bit upset that my parents live in quite.. rough conditions when I am up in Lancaster with my canal side flat and my 40" television. It seems unfair. It also makes me sad that my Dad so obviously hates living where they do, and I know he'd give anything to have a house somewhere nicer but that theres very little chance it can ever happen. Maybe when I start earning I can help them out in some way, as things stand, I spend money but it comes mostly from my student loan. I'm not badly off due to various bursarys and grants but I don't have enough definite income to be able to really help.
Its the little things that bother me, like how my Mum has wrapped DVDs that she bought herself months ago, so she can unwrap them on Christmas day just to make the pile of presents look bigger and more exciting without stretching the money further. It shouldn't bother me, not really, she's content. I wonder who the illusion is for really, is she still making a Christmas for me? I hope she likes what I've got her anyway. If she does it'll make me a little less sad.
I think I'll end here. Tomorrow will come and go, I shouldn't look forward to leaving my parents because I'm sure my Dad has been looking forward to having me home for months, but being here is not how it used to be. I'll stay positive, and tomorrow I'll see my niece and nephews. They're almost grown up now (well 2/3 are) and there wont be so many Christmasses where they are the babies any more. I'll try and get a photograph of them all :)